Finding Love: Traits in a Mate

"When it comes to romance, women prefer someone who tickles their funny bone while men opt for those who catch their eye, according to an international survey released on Wednesday [1/25/06].

The survey, conducted in 16 countries by Canadian romance publisher Harlequin Enterprises, asked men and women on six continents about traits they liked or disliked and how they went about trying to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

The poll revealed differences between countries in the way people tried to impress the opposite sex.

Australians and British men frequently admitted drinking too much, while about half of German and Italian men said they had lied about their finances. Spaniards were the most likely to use sex to catch someone's attention.

Eighty percent of Brazilian and Mexican men said they had lied about their marital or relationship status, as did 70 percent of German women, the survey said.

When it came to meeting that special someone, a majority of respondents preferred to rely on friends for introductions. The Internet was not a popular hunting ground except in Portugal, where about half the surveyed men and women opted to find people online.

Both Spain and France suffered a gender gap. Thirty percent of Spanish men, but no Spanish women, looked for love online. In France, 40 percent of men but only 10 percent of women attended parties, bars and clubs to meet someone, but they did have one thing in common: both sexes rated looks as more important than their counterparts in other countries.

When it came to that first meeting, a majority of men polled said beauty was more important than brains, while women put a sense of humor at the top of their list.

Physical attraction was the top priority for men in France, Brazil, Greece, Japan and Britain. And while 40 percent of Portuguese men rated intelligence over looks in a first encounter, no Australian men did so.

In the United States and Canada, humor was considered the most important trait by both men and women, getting 63 and 73 percent of the vote respectively."

All I can say from my own experience is that my hubby won me with his humor and he felt the same about my wit. Two funny people still laughing and loving after 20 years.

What traits do you look for?


Reference
http://news.yahoo.com/ Tandon, K. (2006) "And The Most Important Thing In A Mate Is..."

What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse

Renee's blog, Playground in My Mind (http://writeawayzine.blogspot.com/), had this entry back in 2005. I have posted it here because it I think it is contains information to help keep children safe and protected. I thank Renee for the find.

Child Sexual Abuse: The Hidden Epidemic
By Sherryll Kraizer, Ph.D., Coalition for Children

While abduction by a stranger is one of the most terrifying things for a parent to think about, children are actually far more vulnerable to abuse by people known to the family and community. Child abuse occurs when an adult causes, or threatens to cause, emotional, physical or sexual harm to a child. Child abuse includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

Parents should know that:
1. 85 to 90% of all abuse occurs at the hands of someone known to the child, someone in a position of trust.

2. About one in every four children will be sexually abused by the age of eighteen.

3. Most sexual abuse involves no outwardly visible physical damage to the child.

4. The damage comes from the physical and emotional violation of the child, and the violation of a trusted relationship. These can be more long-lasting than physical injury.

5. Most abusers are family, friends, and neighbors, someone the child knows and trusts.

6. Parents, schools and organizations may use all of the avoidance technology at their disposal against strangers, yet experience tells us that they are almost always surprised to discover perpetrators in their midst.

7. Parents obviously don't leave their children in the care of people they believe to be perpetrators, but the facts tell us that parents must be prepared for such an event.

A Child's Best Defense
The best way to prevent abuse when the parent or care-taking adult is not present is to provide children with the skills they need to help protect themselves. The essential prevention of child abuse skills can be taught without talking about abuse. Children don't need to be told what abuse is, who the offenders are, how they operate, what they do, or why.

They don't need to be told that the people they love might hurt them. Rather, prevention is learned through positive and concrete messages that give children the skills they need to act effectively on their own behalf when they are in potentially abusive situations. The reality is that there are times when children can and must be responsible for their own well-being, such as when they are alone with a potential abuser.

At such times, they need permission to speak up. They need specific skills and techniques to stop what's being done to them. And, they must know they will be believed and supported by the adults in their lives.

The Best Overall Defense Children Have Against Abuse Is:
* A sense of their own natural abilities (instincts).

* The ability to accurately assess and handle a variety of situations.

* Knowing where and how to get help.

* Knowing they will be believed.


A Child Needs To Know:
*Your body belongs to you.

*You have a right to say who touches you and how.

*If someone touches you in a way you don't like, in a way that makes you feel funny or uncomfortable inside, or in a way that you think is wrong or your parents would think is wrong, it's okay to say "no."

*If the person doesn't stop, say, "I'm going to tell" and then tell, no matter what.

*If you're asked to keep a secret, say, "No, I'm going to tell."

*If you have a problem, keep talking about it until someone helps you.

Children learn that they can have more control over what happens to their bodies when we teach them, and when we show them through our own behavior, that their bodies do, indeed, belong to them. Children as young as two and three already know what touch they like and what touch they don't like. Touching they don't like makes them feel uneasy and may seem wrong to them.

The Safe Child Program gives children permission to speak up. It teaches them how to speak up effectively and in a way that is appropriate. Prevention of child abuse techniques must be learned not just as ideas, but as real skills. Proven classroom programs for children and follow-through by parents are the best way to learn these skills. This means practice.

Part of effective prevention education includes role-play, giving children an opportunity to see how it feels to say "no" in a difficult situation. Just as children don't learn to ride a bicycle by talking or reading about bicycling, children don't learn to prevent child abuse without opportunities to work with the techniques, to practice and feel comfortable with the skills. Role-play, practicing and parental reinforcement are the keys to teaching children to protect themselves when adults are not there to protect them.

How to Respond if a Child Tells You About Abuse
The trauma of a child reporting abuse is very real. If this happens, the first concern is to remain calm and supportive of the child. Give the child an opportunity to tell you in his or her own way what happened. Don't over-react or criticize the child in any way.

The Child Needs To Be Told:
*That you believe him/her and you're glad s/he told you.

*That s/he didn't do anything wrong.

*That you will do your best to see that s/he is not hurt again and you will make every effort to get help.

*Do not promise the child that you will do anything specific. You may not be able to keep that promise.

*Children who report sexual or physical abuse need to be examined by a doctor. Make the child a part of the process. If possible find a physician the child knows or one who is particularly experienced in abuse cases.

REMEMBER: Almost without exception children do not lie about abuse, except to deny that it happened.

REMEMBER ALSO: The trauma of abuse is long-term and not always apparent. When a child reports being abused, the process of recovery begins.

Reporting Suspected Child Abuse or Neglect
The decision to report suspected abuse is almost always difficult. Remember that 85-90% of all sexual abuse and virtually all physical and emotional abuse involve someone known to the child. This means that the offender is usually known to the community.

Interpersonal relationships and community considerations frequently bring hesitation to report. At these times, it is important to remember that the TOTAL responsibility for the offense lies with the offender.

Reporting PROTECTS the child and may protect other children from becoming or continuing to be victims of abuse. A person who reports suspected abuse is not responsible for ruining the offender's life. The person who has the courage and takes the responsibility to report is saving a child as well as future victims.

ANYONE may report a suspected case of child abuse or child maltreatment. It is important to know that the law does not require certainty before reporting and that you have no responsibility to investigate or to try to gather more information yourself. Any suspected case should be reported.

Reporting suspected abuse or maltreatment does not make a person legally liable, however there may be penalties for failure to report. The law protects any person, official, or institution that makes a report in good faith (meaning an honest belief that a child is being abused) by providing immunity from any liability, civil or criminal, that might otherwise result from such actions.

While reporting child abuse can be difficult, all of us have an obligation to act on behalf of all children. If we do not act, who will?

Resources
The National toll-free number to report suspected abuse is 1-800-4ACHILD at http://www.childhelpusa.org/ THE COALITION FOR CHILDREN is a not-for-profit organization, founded in 1983, which is committed to creating and providing positive and effective prevention programs for children and families.

The Coalition is not a group; rather it acts as a catalyst, bringing together individuals and organizations for specific projects and community action. To learn more, please visit: http://www.safechild.org/.

Yet another difference between the sexes: Schadenfreude

Do you feel others' pain, empathize with what they are going through? Or do you, instead, feel good or experience a secret delight when someone gets hurt?

A recent study says it depends on whether you're a man or a woman. The phenomenon of witnessing someone's misfortune is called Schadenfreude. And according to research done at University College in London, men* seem to enjoy watching others and their misfortunes more than women.

Using brain-imaging techniques, researchers compared how men and women reacted when watching other people suffer pain. If the sufferer was someone they liked, areas of the brain linked to empathy and pain were activated in both sexes. If it was someone they disliked only women showed empathy while men showed a surge in Schadenfreude.

The research which has just been published in the science journal Nature , illustrates that empathic responses to others are not automatic, but depend on an emotional link to the person who is observed suffering.

Now, I often enjoy when the bad guy or gal in a movie, book or television show gets their comeuppance, but I certainly don't include myself in enjoying watching a real person fall down a flight of stairs, step in unseen doggie-poo or get reamed out by the boss. I actually feel bad for them. I like to think I'm low on the Schadenfreude scale. But this is an interesting study and can help to explain things from the mild, like a joke , to the extreme, like terrorism.


* I like to think that the men I know don't Schadenfreude often!

Reference
Nature advance online publication; published online 18 January 2006 doi:10.1038/nature04271

Oreo Cookie Personality Test

Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way. I don't like Oreo cookies.


Your Personality Profile For Fun, Of Course.

1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon. You are fun to be with, exciting, and carefree with some hint of recklessness.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. You're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're likely very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do.

4. Feverous Nibbles.
You have a tendency to work too much and do too much. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always upbeat.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way. I don't like Oreo cookies.
There's just no pleasing you.


I'm a "5". With milk, please!!

http://www.psy.rin.ru/cgi-bin/eng/razdel.pl?r=20

January is National Mentoring Month

January is National Mentoring Month. National Mentoring Month mentoring and the positive effect it can have on young lives. Its goals are to:

* Raise awareness of mentoring in its various forms;
* Recruit individuals to mentor, especially in programs that have a waiting list of young people;
* Promote the rapid growth of mentoring by recruiting organizations to engage their constituents in mentoring.

The Harvard Mentoring Project is joining with National Mentoring Month launching on Wednesday, January 25, 2006 Thank Your Mentor Day™. The theme for Thank Your Mentor Day is "Who mentored you? Thank them…and pass it on!"

The idea behind "Who mentored you?" is to help people connect to the importance of mentoring by encouraging them to think about individuals in their lives during their formative years—family members, teachers, coaches, neighbors, employers, friends—who encouraged them, showed them the ropes, and helped them become who they are today. The campaign's message is that, today, too many young people do not get enough of that kind of support; mentoring programs can help fill the gap but need more volunteers.

I had many mentors in my life...all seemed to be teachers. First I found this special encouragement in elementary and secondary school where a select few helped me find my confidence and my "smartness" when I didn't even know it was there. As I grew, teachers continued to be a great source of support for me. College, Graduate School and Postdoctoral Graduate School. In each place, there was someone who took my developing skills and helped me evolve. Shared their wisdom, their time, and their devotion. Now, in my role as professor in the university where I teach, I am now the mentor. I find great joy in it and love to "Pay It Forward".

Mentoring is a present you give to others and a gift that you give yourself.

Cell Phones and Pagers: Stop the Madness!!!!

A recent study in the Journal of Marriage and Family [1] has illustrated that the round-the-clock availability cell phones and pagers provide have taken a toll on family life. This study, which followed more than 1,300 adults over 2 years, found that those who consistently used a mobile phone or pager throughout the study period were more likely to report negative "spillover" between work and home life -- and, in turn, less satisfaction with their family life.

Though I am a certified Tech Geek, I do not, DO NOT, use my cell phone. In fact, I throw away a good chunk of change just to have it in the chance emergency that I might need it. I don't want to be that reachable, that accessible, that connected. My pager is used for emergencies in my practice, which gratefully are not that often. And if George Clooney is trying to get in touch with me, he knows how to find me.

What ever happened to quiet and stillness?

It is my opinion that not only does the excessive use of cell phones burden the levels of stress on the body and the psyche, but that the art of patience is lost. We have become a society of instant gratification on so many levels. I worry about the fallout of it all. Am I alone in this aversion to the cell phone and to wax nostalgic for the olden days of letter writing, the weekly phone call and smoke signals?



Footnotes

[1] Noelle, C. (2005) Blurring boundaries? Linking technology use, spillover, individual distress, and family satisfaction . Journal of Marriage and Family, 12, pp. 1237-1248.