When The Teacher is the Bully

Bullying has been front and center in the public arena for some time now. In recent years, schools have promoted a zero tolerance for schoolyard bullying. Guidelines and resources are more readily available to cope with the workplace bully, as well as for cyber bullying that happens on the computer superhighway.

But what if your child's teacher is the bully? Recent research shows that 2% of children are bullied by a teacher in their lifetime. Teachers who are bullies have the same characteristics of other bullies. They are sadistic and petty, gaining self-esteem through the humiliation of others. In the school environment, a teacher-bully will shame a child in front of classmates, often using their position of authority in abusive ways. The teacher-bully may make an example of a child, sending him out of the room or to the corner. Maybe an extra assignment or denying your child recess becomes the vehicle for bullying.

I had a teacher who was a bully. I was in the 10th grade and she made my life miserable. She was my Spanish teacher, and all year long she picked on me, calling on me to answer impossible questions, throwing me out of the class for making noise and even accusing me of cheating on the Regents exam. Luckily, I had a reputation as being a very quiet student, never getting into any trouble or mischief. I hardly spoke in class and was painfully shy. Administrators responsible for overseeing my “discipline” knew there was a bullying situation going on. Unfortunately, there were two choices. Either drop Spanish and not graduate or stay in the class, since there were no other Spanish classes to transfer into. The lesser of two evils was to stay in the class. And though I had support from my parents and from my friends, the teacher’s bullying was traumatic for me. I was young and ill-equipped to deal with the humiliation and accusations. Like a deer in headlights, I just stood there, helpless.

I’ve long shed the quiet and hesitant demeanor of my teenage years. I have a zero tolerance for bullying of any kind - and am fierce when I have to be. In fact, as a therapist, I help many children take on their bullying battles with great success. And every time I do, I think back to my Spanish teacher and how I’d do things differently. It brings a smile to my face thinking about how I’d take her on with my kick-ass, no-nonsense set of bully-stomping skills.

Ten Tips for Dealing with a Teacher-Bully

If your child is being bullied by a teacher, here are some ways to combat the abuse.

1) Listen attentively to your child when he or she talks about the bullying. Your child’s emotional expression is an important aspect of healing. Ask for details, but don’t push too hard.

2) Remind your child that shame and humiliation are not acceptable ways of treating another human being. This is abusive, and your child needs to know what that means.

3) Some children will be happy for you to intervene, while others may become terrified of your involvement. Support and comfort your child but also educate him or her that you cannot let this hurtful behavior continue.

4) Inform your child that you'll be speaking with the teacher to open up a dialogue about the situation. This is about problem solving - and doing so will teach your child how to negotiate difficult situations in the future.

5) When confronting the teacher, remember that poise and strength count. Resist falling into the gutter with the teacher-bully. Sinking to that level will hurt your position should you need to go further with this issue.

6) Leave a hard-copy or email paper trail of all your conversations with the teacher. If things continue to be abusive for your child, don’t wait. Immediately involve the school administration and support staff.

7) If the bullying hasn't stopped, and there's been no other accommodations made for your child at the school building level, contact the Superintendent and notify your school board.

8) Consider a school transfer if you cannot find success from any of these strategies.

9) Don’t hesitate to file a complaint to the state licensing board.

10) Consider professional help for your child if the bullying causes significant distress.

How To Spot a Liar

Everybody lies. That's what Dr. House says - and it's true. Like most people, I tell a fib every now and then, especially if I know the truth might sting or bring about conflict. But there are people who lie more than every once in a while. They present a false front about small, mundane things, and even lie about significant issues. For chronic liars, lying is a habit.

Wanna know how to spot a liar? Experts reveal some tips below.

1. What is the style of a person's speech?
Experts say that a change in pitch, speech rate and breathing pattern - if either speeds up or slows down, can tip you off that someone's being untrue.

2. What is the person saying?
Liars are less likely to use the words "I," "me," and "mine." In their attempts to distance themselves from lies, liars tend to communicate using fewer personal words. Also, liars tend to avoid words like "but," "except," and "whereas," because they have trouble keeping track of complex thought processes.

3. How is the person's face?
Experts advise paying close attention to the micro-expressions that a face can't hide. These little signals can help you detect if someone is being deceptive.

4. How is the person's smile?
An authentic smile generates from the mouth and also the eyes. When looking for liars, pay close attention to how a person smiles - the quality of it and quantity of it.

5. Does the body language follow the story?
Truth is, the most important way to detect a liar is to examine a person's entire verbal and non-verbal language. Honesty is characterized by features that are in sync with one another . So, note the fit among facial expressions, body posture, voice, and speech pattern.

6. Is the person behaving uncharacteristically?
Experts believe changes in a person's baseline behavior (the predictable way the usually behave) can signal deception. Anything out of the ordinary should crinkle your brow.

7. What is the conversational topic?
Gauge the intimacy level of the conversation. Is it small talk? Is it a deep emotional exchange?Liars tend to avoid eye contact when involved in simple, social conversation. Liars tend to intensify their eye gaze when being deceptive about "emotional" or "difficult" topics. Remember, most people look away, hesitate or even change their posture when a conversation is difficult.

Now that you've learned a bit on the subject of detecting liars, take the Reader's Digest quiz here. I bet you'll do great!

Resource:
Reader's Digest- "How to Spot a Liar"

The Psychology of Resolutions

Research says that about 45% of the population make one or more resolutions at the onset of each New Year. Some of the top resolutions involve weight loss, exercising more, stopping smoking or drinking or other "bad" habits. Also popular are resolutions to manage finances better.

Psychologically speaking, the end of a year generally moves us to self-reflect. We think about what was good about the year. The moments that were trying or hard - and all of the moments in-between. The beginning of a New Year can represent a fresh clean slate, where we start anew. It can be a time of new found hope and motivation.

While a lot of people who make New Year's resolutions generally find them hard to keep, research shows that making resolutions can be useful. People who make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't make any.

I like to set realistic goals for myself each year. Some are personal, like exercising more and eating better. Others are professional, such as researching a new subject or presenting at a conference. Of course, I don't achieve all these goals. But for me, I know that thinking about change leads me toward change. And that's a good way to start the year.

What about you?

Do you use the New Year as a benchmark?

Reference:
Norcross, J.C.; Mrykalo, M.S. & Blagys, M.D. (2002). Auld Lang Syne: Success predictors, change processes, and self-reported outcomes of New Year's resolvers and nonresolvers. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(4), 397-405.