There always seemed to be this notion floating around that children of divorced parents didn't get solid parenting.
I've never been one to see that in my work though. I've worked with children of divorce for various reasons, but it rarely had to do with the kind of "parenting" they were getting. In fact, I've found that parents tended to be better caretakers once the divorce occurred - as if the "toxic couple environment" was no longer there.
And now there's research that says the same.
Divorce is a difficult experience for all family members. Loss, anger, sadness, and worthiness are but a few of the feelings children experience. But the statistics show that approximately 80% of children of divorced parents become productive, well-adjusted and successful adults. The other 20% of these children experience a variety of ongoing psychological and social difficulties that significantly interfere with their lives.
What do you think?
33 comments:
Is twenty percent high, low or normal?
Do kids of divorced parents get more attention, and does more attention equal greater coping skills?
Thats only two of the dozen or so questions this report raised. I bet your other readers have plenty more.
I have seen the difference in my brother's three children. Two were raised in a home with parents that constantly fought and anger permeated the environment. The third (he came along many years later) was about 5 when they divorced and he has two homes - both full of PEACE. He gets way more attention from both parents and doesn't have to live int hem midst of constant fighting.
My son has never lived with his father, which some think would be easier on him than having a father and then going through a divorce but it's been hard on him to know his dad just doesn't give a crap about him.
There are never any easy answers to this one. In any case does more attention actually mean 'better' attention?
Best wishes
This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.
My life would be different on many levels had my parents divorced. Depending on which parent I went with and how young I was when it happened...things would have turned out far better for me. My mother was underskilled, undereducated and many other things...also my primary abuser. I remember at the age of 6 being told by mother that they were considering a divorce and I needed to work real hard to make sure that didn't happen...or I would have to go with my father. That is an incident that is wrong on so many levels...and just one example of my mother's "child rearing". What is really weird is they are still married...and have been for 35 years now.
Sera
A large percentage of the children in our after school program come from divorced families.
I think many of their parents would be better at parenting if they did not use the children to hurt each other.
I don't believe reports anyway, I believe what I see.
My hubby came from an extremely dysfunctional family. If the divorce made his parents better, then they were abysmally poor parents indeed.
Great post. Really got me thinking....Wonder what my life would have turned out like if my dad actually granted my request and divorced my mom like I asked him to!
Maybe I'd have my LCSW by now! Or...maybe I'd never have found a passion for social work...
Can't be questioned I suppose.
Being a divorced parent, my parenting skills have been much better as i can devote more time to my son and his needs.
i think my dad found himself the day my mum apssed away, in sayign that he has travelled the wrold and is president of every club known to human kind. In all of that he is the healthiest ive ever seen him, but hes also the happiest.
Despite the pain he inflicted on us he and mum truuly stayed togther for their beliefs and never their love and so the abuse we suffered was her hatred of him adn his hatred of her.
My parents were divorced when I was young. The only difference between then and now is that at that time (1960's) in my small town, NOBODY had divorced parents so I was singled out, and whispered about, and was very shy so it was quite difficult. As an adult now I realize that the whispering probably wasn't as widespread as I thought at the time and the comments that were being made were probably more along the lines of concern than anything else. In my case divorce was the best option as my father was not a nice man, nor a good father. My mom and I were very close and I truly believe the kind of person I am today is a strong reflection on her having the courage to divorce at a time when it was not a common occurence. She allowed me to have a peaceful childhood (at least the times when my father wasn't around) and gave me unconditional love.
I think it depends on how young the kids were when the divorce took place.
I understood that the quality of parenting is miles more important than whether it came from one parent or two. If we are concerned about divorce affecting child development and security, can we also hold the same concerns for families where people go away to fight wars? work shiftwork? travel? people die? have disabilities?
What kind of upbringing a child has depends entirely on the ability and desire of the mother and/or father to parent properly, not on whether they are married or divorced.
I know some pretty screwed up people whose parents never divorced (raising my own hand on that one) and I also know some very well adjusted kids that have parents that divorced (my daughter can raise her hand on that one).
I definitely believe it is better to divorce than stay together for the sake of the children. Maintaining that environment, where there's conflict, can just be toxic all around. However, I also think that the outcome for children of divorce can be dependent on the relationship the separated parents maintain from that point forward. Incredibly important for each parent to have some acceptance that they are going to continue to have to deal with each, because they have children together, and to try and build a good working relationship on that basis.
My parents divorced when I was 11. I think I'm basically well-adjusted, but I credit stepparents for that! :)
As a child of two parents who should probably have gotten divorced I can promise that they too, "experience a variety of ongoing psychological and social difficulties that significantly interfere with their lives".
That "toxic couple" environment continues today, even though Dad has been dead 24 years...
Thank you for this...much food for thought!
alan
Thanks for posting this study. Its good information to have
Do as I say, not as I do.
We underestimate how bad divorce is for everyone concerned. Some, of course, bounce back, and stand by their children. I have pity for those who don't
I'm coming around to the view that people who marry should do so earlier than they do these days, that there's merit in arranged (but not in coerced) marriages, and divorce should be much harder to get than it is.
Wow! 80% grow up normal. That is really a good percentage.
In that 80% can join the 8o% of the general public in being functional. Most interesting, Deb.
As a twice divorced person, divorce is horrible at the time it's happening, but ultimately it's not always a bad thing, and can indeed be a good thing.
When I was a child I used to pray that my parents would get divorced because of the stresses caused by the fights. I still believe they should have had the courage to do so -- and it can take courage -- and they and the rest of us would have been the better for it.
Just another gem of wisdom from you, dear friend.
Bill,
I don't know if that stat is high low or normal.
Dear Barbara,
I think we all agree it depends on so much. And your son's Dad is missing out. Tough tarts to him.
Dear Maddy,
You are right, no easy answers.
Dear Fallen,
I learned so much about you in your comment. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Ami,
I agree, studies and research should be taken with a grain of salt.
Dear Jade,
The arc of your life took you to the here and now. I think you are pretty awesome the way you are....but I get what you're asking aloud.
Dear Casdok,
FANTASTIC!
Dear JIP,
{{{hugs}}
Dear OHN,
That must have truly been such a hard time back then for you.
Dear Lone,
Oh yes, so much weighs in.
Dear Adiemus,
Very good points you make. For a long time, divorced parents seemed to get this reputation that they are bad parents, but as I've said I've not seen it. Loving parenting can happen in divorces, chronic illnesses, shift work, war times, etc. It's all about how we adults approach our children.
Dear Sid,
I hear you. I've seen that as well.
Dear HP,
I think you are awesome!!!
Dear Alan,
I know what you mean. My parents have a toxic relationship as well.
Dear Raine,
Glad you liked the post.
Dear GOM,
Hmmm...your comment made me think.
Dear MArie,
I've seen many children of divorce do so well in many ways.
Dear Ian,
Contagion is a psychological phenomenon that seeps into children when living in a toxic marriage. I always think it's wise to seek divorce when the toxic level chokes members of a family. It is hard to move through, as you know, but as you ALSO say, you moved through it.
~Deb
Good Post, I'll be back ;-)
Hmmm . . . I think once a year or two has passed, and the kids are used to bouncing back and forth between 2 homes, they probably don't mind it so much. And they make out nicely because the parents feel guilty and buy the kids lots of nice presents, and maybe even try to outdo each other with the gift giving.
So what is your specialty, Deb? That is cool that you get to work with kids.
Dr. Deb, I sincerely hope that my two children are in the 80% category. Only time will tell. In the beginning, it was tough but they appear to have adjusted in all aspects of their young lives.
Kids are tough, never doubt that. lol
Hi Dr. Deb,
I will not argue with the findings of the survey, but in my own opinion, children living with their own natural parents will be better suited to adjust to the harsh realities of life. No one can take care of the children better than their own natural parents. I'm looking at this from the point of view of what's good for the kids. Thanks for the thought provoking post. God bless and have a wonderful and sunny day.
My sister and brother in law are going through a very painful angry divorce....I hope you are right about the impact on the kids. All I can see now is a lot of neglect and pain.
But as other bloggers have posted - they will ultimately be in two homes with that have peace (hopefully).
I'm so glad someone executed this study. As the daughter of a widowed mother (I lost my father at age 7), I always wondered why people had to make things even harder for divorced (and by extension, widowed) families.
Good stuff. I think this goes to show you how important genetics and socialization are to the development process for children.
I hate to say it, given how parent-centric we have become as a society, but is it possible we play minimal roles in relation to genetics and the environment we place our children in (school, friends, neighborhood etc.)?
Parents divorcing is terrible and an act against G-d.
If you cannot keep a happy marriage, don't have kids.
I think the question to ask here is are the statistics the same for children of parents that stay married? Do 80% of those kids go on to lead healthy productive lives?
If one is going to compare divorced parents to married parents then you must at least provide all the data when providing a hypothesis. *shrug*
As for my other thoughts about this I think in our care bear world we want to make everyone feel good about themselves and their decisions. In order to do this we tend to make light of some serious character flaws. There is also a lack of accountability. It's easy to blame the ex.
Before anyone gets angry, I do not mean that all divorced people are suffering from serious character flaws. Yet a person needs to look at themselves. True, you may be divorced from a cruel and angry sadistic bastard of a spouse, but why did you choose that person?
If a person puts themselves in the same situation repeatedly they need to stop deluding themselves. When their children grow up and repeat the same cycle or lack accountability they can know who to blame.
I see way too many people married and divorced 3 or more times. It's always the ex's fault. Yet okay why did the person marry three alcoholics or abusers? Why are they doing this to themselves?
I think it's people with that sort of personal dysfunction that may have a harder time functioning in general let alone as a healthy parent.
It makes me sad because our children are being taught that spouses are disposable and usable. Basically men have been reduced to being sperm doners and payers of child support.
I believe that! I see my divorced co-workers working closely with their ex-spouses to assure that their children remain happy, normal or whatever. But I didn't know that studies showed it.
You learned a lot about me from my little comment?!? One might think you are a therapist or something! ;) lol
I do have to disagree with what intelligentlayperson said...more and more men are being given sole custody and more and more women are paying child support. Our society is finally seeing that the "better" (more stable etc) parent should get custody, not the mother just because she is the mother. There is a 25 yo young man in my Anatomy class who has sole custody of his 3 yo daughter...and has had sole custody since she was 3 months old.
Sera
Dear KAwana,
I blogrolled you. I wish you continued health as you recover.
Dear Scott,
My specialties are trauma and depression. And I work with little kids, teens and adults. I forgot to mention that my word verification was ANCPR on your blog. I thought the letters were very nurse and cpr-ish.
Dar Enid,
Kids are very resilient, I agree.
Dear Mel,
I think divorce and marriage hold very different cultural and religious values across the world. I respect and appreciate how you feel.
Dear EVI,
I have seen children move through divorce in very painful ways at the beginning. Heartbreaking to witness. But as time progresses and the experience becomes more predictible, they grow along with the change. My 2 cents. Sending good vibes to your sis.
Dear Crackerlilo,
{{{{Hugs}}}} My heart sank reading how you lost your daddy so young. And you are right, why DO people make things harder in that regard.
Dear TAIC,
As usual, your are right. There are many many things that contribute to our growth as human beings.
Dear LArry,
I respect how you feel. I don't think many people go into a union knowing that it will end in tragedy though. People change, circumstances press on families, etc.
Dear Intelligent,
There are manys studies that look at intact and divorced families, so research does take that into account. But I hear what you are saying. As for a person knowing themselves - it is great when one does. But sometimes people learn as they go and decisions take them down different roads. Self awareness is something I endorse because of what I do. But as I said, many don't know until they are in too deep. I do agree that kids nowadays grow up fearing intimacy. And the disposable society, from "new games" on computers to divorces can be a part of it all. But I do believe there are many more reasons why intimacy and trust are a slippery slope for our younger generation.
Dear Rose,
That is what I see as well. There certainly are other stories not as healhty or supportive....but thankfully, not in my scopr of work or life.
Dear Fallen,
LOL! And yes, many more men are getting sole custody. It is wonderful how it's more acceptable (and proven) that a loving male can be a great caretaker. PS: Good luck with your finals and all.
~Deb
Hi Dr. Deb:
I wanted to thank you for posting on my blog carnival and making your wisdom available to my Child-Centered Divorce network.
I appreciate your valuable feedback and insights. I agree with your message and my own personal experience backs that up.
That's why I wrote, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! offering a simple, yet very successful way to start a child-centered divorce off on the right track.
I welcome your commentary any time you have something to share.
Regards,
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
It's interesting that the Pareto 80%/20% rule applies here.
Empirically, I've always suspected that children of divorce can still be as well adjusted as their non-divorced peers.
Children are remarkably adaptable, it's not really a big surprise that they adjust to divorce.
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