In a meaningful relationship with someone?
Then you know that arguing is a part of the couple experience.
Many research studies, like this recent one from the journal of Psychosomatic Medicine , report that how a couple fights and the subject with which they argue are not really as important as HOW resolution occurs.
Healthy conflict is good for building awareness of each person's needs in the relationship. It helps to define each person's uniqueness and deepens the couple bond. But when problems arise, communication, compromising and conflict resolution are what best predict a solid relationship.
Problogger has a great post entitled, "10 Steps To Conflict Resolution" here
Hat tip: Enrico
27 comments:
We've learned that staying focused on the subject at hand and not letting go until there's some sort of resolution--or at least understanding--helps a *lot*. We try to avoid vulnerable areas. And I've had to learn to give my quiet wife, who's not much for showing emotion, time and space to communicate. But it took over a decade for us to learn, and we started off as screwed-up kids. I'm amazed that we've lasted as long as we have, except we both knew to keep our eyes on the real prize, I guess.
"Arguing is a part of the couple experience."
Absolutely. As is my being right.
:D j/k
An ex-partner maintained that if we ever argued, we'd split up. Incredibly stressful circumstances to live under because no one agrees with anyone else 100% of the time. Eventually, a difference of opinion arose and true to his word....well, guess that's why he's an ex!
It's healthy to air differences. As you say, it's the way you do it and how it gets resolved that's critical.
I think most conflicts originate from the "get" mentality rather than the "give" mentality. Most conflicts arise from defending one's turf against any intruder may it be the spouse. Genuine love and caring beats all sorts of arguing in resolving a conflict. The word argue itself presents a negative connotation revolving around a conflict. Remember the time when we are on an engaged arrangement with our would be spouse? There was no conflict whatsoever because we focussed more on what we could give our loved one rather than what we could get from her/him. In other words, we were more selfless than selfish. But when the dusts of marriage settle down and marital problems begin to arise, both spouses revert to their old selfish self of "get" mentality. Hence the conflict and the arguments.
Thanks for the provocative and enlightening post. Smile. God bless and have a nice and wonderful day.
Conflict in any form is not something we handle well. We over-react, or don't react at all, or switch so much the person with us gets dizzy! :P However, we have an understanding partner (14 years on Tuesday), so eventually things get resolved!
I dont like arguing.
But i have got better at it with practice over the years!
Having that problem right now. But, it is a meaningful friendship. Everything will work itself out, I guess... Anyways thanks for posting the link...
Arguments have lead to some of the most noticeable growth in my relationship. Luckily we are both social workers, and when we find ourselves in such a situation, we normally approach the resolution as such which can be very nice. It has taken 5 years of intentionally hard work, but we are now able to resolve a vast majority of our arguements with those 10 conflict resolution steps.
Keeping in mind that most of our arguements are about "things" and not problems. (as are most couples fights I would assume)
Deqr Crackerlilo,
Eyes on the real prize IS a great motto.
Dear Enrico,
LOL
Dear HP,
Good that he is your ex. Fighting, disagreeing and arguing are necessary and unavoidable.
Dear Mel,
The Get and The Give --So true!
Dear Fallen,
Conflict can be scary, but can be very fruitful in getting your needs and thoughts across. Keep on learning and trying new skills toward this. I'll be rooting on the sidelines as you go!
Dear Casdok,
Conflict resolution does take time and mastery. I'm not perfect at it and never will be, but I learn each and every time how to hike up the mastery level!
Dear Lone,
Me too. Just had a disagreement with hubby and we are both finding our way back.
Dear JAde,
Wow, good for you Jade. I agree that once a conflict is resolved, growth and the couple bond deepen.
~Deb
The P.S. is the one I need to accept...I will admit fault or whatever it takes to avoid conflict...
Sometimes it seems if I live long enough to learn all the things I need to, I'll be dead!
alan
Conflict resolution... those are fighting words! te he! :-)
~ jb///
Even though I know I am always right...I just always admit I am wrong. I'm KIDDING! I don't always admit i am wrong. ;)
I hate conflict and am known for being the peacemaker in my family. I am the eternal "fixer" too.
People need to remember to not go for the personal 'ATTACK" in an argument because words penetrate and take up residence in our hearts and can haunt long after the incident.
My parents bite each other's heads off all the time. They've been married 48 years. The constant yelling used to really upset me. I was too sensitive for this vocally expressive family. Though I certainly learned to hold my own. It didn't serve me later in life. Now people accuse me of being too angry.
I'm sorry I haven't been here in quite awhile. My psych blog still exists but not my main blog. There was a person whose name I won't mention here that was harrassing me very badly and it became necessary for me to take drastic measures to get away from him. If you'd be interested in visiting my psych blog from time to time email me cie@q.com and I'll give you the address. I've asked people not to put it on their blog roll in case this person still visits their blog and could get to me through the link.
The old main blog still exists but I'm the only one who can access it. I use it as a test area for things.
This may seem really paranoid but the person in question triggered a lot of negative emotions. He reminds me a lot of the guy who assaulted me 10 years ago.
My other half and I "almost" never argue. It's a great relationship. When we do have and occasional spat, it's always over something one of us did (or didn't do). It never gets personal or insulting. That makes making up easier.
We have a great system of communicating and usually defer to the other on issues we know are important to each.
We have another mechanism called "the marital veto", which is called out when one of us has an idea or intention the other just totally can't stand. Vetoed! We just make sure not to use that one very often. For instance, he has been offered some pea-chicks for our yard. That sounds like a nice idea except we have foxes in the area who would likely try to eat them and the sound of peacocks calling to each other at dawn and dusk can grate on the brain like nails on on a chalkboard.
My veto pen stands ready.
'You're only as sick as your secrets,' goes the adage. Hmm, might use that for a blog. My point being, Deb, that for any conflict to resolve, in my experience, there must be complete candor and honesty on the part of both, otherwise any resolution is a lie designed to placate the other person. It my first marriage we 'fought' (not physically, I might add), and in my second we raged, but in my current marriage I think we honestly fight fairly (when we do, which is very rare, blessedly) and genuinely work to resolution.
I think most of us avoid conflict and confrontation. But, if we face it with honesty and respect, we can really deepen our connections. Great post!
unfortuneately this post has coem too late for our fourteen marriage but if we ever form a new relationship we certainly would be forming it on new grounds with a lot more education under our belt
In our early year (a long time ago)my husband would refuse to argue. he said it was like being forced into a corner and he would have no part of it. This was very frustrating, because then you have no way to resolve things. you just have to carry around the anger and get bitter over it.
I finally told him not arguing ever was ruining our marriage. he eventually got over it, and we argued our way into happiness...:)
Hmmm . . . Good advice, though I really haven't been in enough (healthy) relationships to know how to deal with conflict.
Yes conflict can be good for relationships. I do believe that! Great information that very useful for all kinds of relationships. Please email me. Thank you so much for your support!
my sister cancer results are in its up on our blog
I have met couples who are together because they like fighting.
But you are right about needing to learn to argue. That was the second lesson hubbie and I learned. And we learned it after marriage.
Okay, this is good. Thank you (again). I'm going to share, but....I just know that the one I'm going to share the steps with will only start picking it apart. Wonder what it is that makes someone never agree with anything until he rewords it?
....I guess my couple experience is obvious.
Dear Alan,
I hear ya.
Dear LZ,
Verrrrry funny.
Dear Seaspray,
I'm a peacemaker too.
Dear Cheese,
I recall the ugliness that happened, so I completely understand.
Dear GW,
Love the Veto idea.
Dear Ian,
Honesty is so important, you are right.
Dear Marj,
I so agree!!!!
Dear JIP,
Learning from old and applying it to new is what it's ALL about.
Dear Cathy,
How great that you kept the subject in the forefront of your relationship. Me thinks your hubby had a true "breakthough".
Dear Scott,
SOmetimes we can learn ways to approach conflict, express feelings, needs etc even if the outcome isn't favorable. The little steps are so important and should never be undervalued.
Dear Rose,
Will come over to visit soon.
Dear JIP,
I visited a few days ago and was sad to hear the latest results. You and she are in my prayers.
Dear Leesa,
I've been around the toxic couple who likes to fight too. But healthy fighting is another thing altogether.
Dear Ellesu,
Hmmm...sounds like this person is VERY defensive. It is hard to work thought conflict when someone is so sensitive that they won't listen. Might I suggest email or a letter, where your words can having uninterrupted flow and no nitpicking. Lemme know it it works.
~Deb
Like any couple, Lise and I have our arguments but we try not to let them spiral into big dramas. Whenever we feel like we no longer know what the heck started the argument, we step back and try to find the core of it.
What we've discovered is that often the reasons for our conflict is something outside of "us". I'm not sure how to explain it but by "us" I mean things are ok with "us". It's kind of like a check list:
Still in love? - check.
Still desire each other? - check.
Still want to live happily ever after? - check.
Alright then we're ok so what's the real problem?
Then we go cuddle up somewhere and talk through what's really going on.
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